I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize