Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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