you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
