You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
