Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
