Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
