There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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