I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you win again, gameday.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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