I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
