is your mom at the bar?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
