Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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