If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
