The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We had sex on a dog bed..
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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