I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
