I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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