Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
