i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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