So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
