I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
