I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
