i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
