addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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