Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
not ubering you a puppy
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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