I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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