I'm jealous of your bromance
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize