if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
