I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
