I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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