Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
