i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
