I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
