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What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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