Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
