its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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