I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize