i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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