i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Couch. On fire.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
