My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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