i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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