I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
