my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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