Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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