I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
