I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize