Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
