Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
