Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
