we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
