guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
