I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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