Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
God, I missed his penis.
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