i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
