Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize