if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
