Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
