The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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